Saturday, June 09, 2007

Mask ....

When was the last time I cry in the someone's arm, to spill all my anguish? Gosh .... I can't even remember. I don't even remember doing that!!
Not my mom, she is the last person that I want to worry.
Not my sis, she has her own son to deal with, which is not easy.
Not my best friend, she is too caught up with her baby and now her second pregnancy
Not even my buddy!! We will just laugh over it as something that is no big deal, even though it is a big deal to me.
So, I have been wearing a mask for so long??
Is that why I feel so exhausted?

I know the people around me, want to see me strong and independent.
So, I wear that mask.
They want to see me happy.
So, I wear that mask.

I feel more lonely when I am invited to their family outings, knowing I will not have that of my own.
I feel more lonely when I am invited to join them in their double date.
Haven't they realised I am no longer a family?
I used to be Da Sao but now, there is no more Da Ge, so naturally, there is no more Da Sao.

I have my weak moments too. I am only human.
I cry when I am alone.
Silently swallowing each drop of tears, fighting hard not to quiver, fighting hard not to collapse. I do not know how long more could I fight. I do not know when I will succumb to fall. I have forced myself to stay positive, but the negativity comes so naturally. It is so tough to stand alone, to do everything alone. All through my life, have been doing that, even during my marriage, where it is supposed to be with someone, but, somehow I was alone.
Even now with Nick. I am alone.
I am alone in my cocoon, with no contact information about him.
His secrecy has driven me nuts. He doesn't trust me.
Disappointment has slowly inching its way in.
I trust him based on just his words and I wanted to, but everyday there are challenges for verification. They seem to be worrying that I have lost my judgment on men. Why do you just believe? Based on what?
Am I that gullible?

Maybe I should go somewhere far far away, no more mask.
Or will I have new masks?

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