Monday, June 11, 2007
Speedy Recovery
Nick's mom just had an operation. He is on the way there now to visit her. I wish I could be there to give her my well wishes, but I can't. However, I would still like to wish her a speedy recovery from wherever I am. Sorry Auntie, I can't be there. Please accept the healing energy from Archangel Raphael. Thank you Raphael for sending my love to her.
Kheng ....
Finally, got to talk to Kheng. A long long "talk", over yahoo.
Better than not talking at all. The last time I went to see her and Little Faith was 2 months ago. And we couldn't really talk cos' Faith was having all my attention!! She is such a sweet little girl. I can really see Kheng in her!!
Remembering the time we studied at the airport, and back at her school, St. Nicholas.
We were so close then. We talked just about anything. Now, she is a full time mom! Given up her highly paid job to become a full time mom!! The best thing is she has no regret which is great!
Looking at her and Bobby so happy now, I am glad she didn't listen to my advice to think twice about loving a man so much older. They have an angel, Faith, and another coming. They have come a long way, and they deserved to have such blissful union.
As we talked about the past, she started to probe about my failed marriage and for the first time, she learned about my depression, my inability to love a man, my attempted suicides. I didn't want to tell her then, cos' she seemed to have so much to deal with. So like I always do, I swallowed everything. Well, it is like now too. I was listening when she told me about her morning sickness, about little Faith in school, etc. I didn't expect her to turn around and asked about me. Usually she doesn't have a chance to, either Faith wakes up and need her attention or she is feeling tired. It is a rare occasion, we talked for more than an hour.
When she told me I will find someone I could love one day, I was speechless. I wanted to tell her I have but I can't. She will freak out if I tell her I have fallen in love with a guy I have yet to meet. I don't want to be challenged with verification again. I will let Time works this out for me. There is nothing much I could do anyway. It is beyond me.
I will be planning for a day out with Faith, and it will be at the zoo!! Since her parents are not animals lovers and going to the zoo is such a chore, I will bring Faith! I remember some time back, Nick mentioned we could bring her out one day :) it would be nice if that really happen but ...
First stop zoo, next we'll go Undersea World :)
Faith, I hope you are as excited as Auntie Nancy hahahhahaahahahah
Better than not talking at all. The last time I went to see her and Little Faith was 2 months ago. And we couldn't really talk cos' Faith was having all my attention!! She is such a sweet little girl. I can really see Kheng in her!!
Remembering the time we studied at the airport, and back at her school, St. Nicholas.
We were so close then. We talked just about anything. Now, she is a full time mom! Given up her highly paid job to become a full time mom!! The best thing is she has no regret which is great!
Looking at her and Bobby so happy now, I am glad she didn't listen to my advice to think twice about loving a man so much older. They have an angel, Faith, and another coming. They have come a long way, and they deserved to have such blissful union.
As we talked about the past, she started to probe about my failed marriage and for the first time, she learned about my depression, my inability to love a man, my attempted suicides. I didn't want to tell her then, cos' she seemed to have so much to deal with. So like I always do, I swallowed everything. Well, it is like now too. I was listening when she told me about her morning sickness, about little Faith in school, etc. I didn't expect her to turn around and asked about me. Usually she doesn't have a chance to, either Faith wakes up and need her attention or she is feeling tired. It is a rare occasion, we talked for more than an hour.
When she told me I will find someone I could love one day, I was speechless. I wanted to tell her I have but I can't. She will freak out if I tell her I have fallen in love with a guy I have yet to meet. I don't want to be challenged with verification again. I will let Time works this out for me. There is nothing much I could do anyway. It is beyond me.
I will be planning for a day out with Faith, and it will be at the zoo!! Since her parents are not animals lovers and going to the zoo is such a chore, I will bring Faith! I remember some time back, Nick mentioned we could bring her out one day :) it would be nice if that really happen but ...
First stop zoo, next we'll go Undersea World :)
Faith, I hope you are as excited as Auntie Nancy hahahhahaahahahah
Thank you Angels!
Have you felt an angel envelop you in a hug with his wings? :)
I have!! When I was at church, I sensed an angel sat on my right. Enfolding me in his wings and telling me I am fine and they remember me, focus on the light. Thank you!
When I met Yew Siang later in the evening, she reminded me my vibration may be too low lately, the angels are having problem reaching out to me. I have to move up to the high vibration!! My anxiety has lower my vibration, I need to refocus my energy. Perhaps that's why I have yet to receive any guidance from Merlin whom I have invoked Merlin to guide me.
I have!! When I was at church, I sensed an angel sat on my right. Enfolding me in his wings and telling me I am fine and they remember me, focus on the light. Thank you!
When I met Yew Siang later in the evening, she reminded me my vibration may be too low lately, the angels are having problem reaching out to me. I have to move up to the high vibration!! My anxiety has lower my vibration, I need to refocus my energy. Perhaps that's why I have yet to receive any guidance from Merlin whom I have invoked Merlin to guide me.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Mask ....
When was the last time I cry in the someone's arm, to spill all my anguish? Gosh .... I can't even remember. I don't even remember doing that!!
Not my mom, she is the last person that I want to worry.
Not my sis, she has her own son to deal with, which is not easy.
Not my best friend, she is too caught up with her baby and now her second pregnancy
Not even my buddy!! We will just laugh over it as something that is no big deal, even though it is a big deal to me.
So, I have been wearing a mask for so long??
Is that why I feel so exhausted?
I know the people around me, want to see me strong and independent.
So, I wear that mask.
They want to see me happy.
So, I wear that mask.
I feel more lonely when I am invited to their family outings, knowing I will not have that of my own.
I feel more lonely when I am invited to join them in their double date.
Haven't they realised I am no longer a family?
I used to be Da Sao but now, there is no more Da Ge, so naturally, there is no more Da Sao.
I have my weak moments too. I am only human.
I cry when I am alone.
Silently swallowing each drop of tears, fighting hard not to quiver, fighting hard not to collapse. I do not know how long more could I fight. I do not know when I will succumb to fall. I have forced myself to stay positive, but the negativity comes so naturally. It is so tough to stand alone, to do everything alone. All through my life, have been doing that, even during my marriage, where it is supposed to be with someone, but, somehow I was alone.
Even now with Nick. I am alone.
I am alone in my cocoon, with no contact information about him.
His secrecy has driven me nuts. He doesn't trust me.
Disappointment has slowly inching its way in.
I trust him based on just his words and I wanted to, but everyday there are challenges for verification. They seem to be worrying that I have lost my judgment on men. Why do you just believe? Based on what?
Am I that gullible?
Maybe I should go somewhere far far away, no more mask.
Or will I have new masks?
Not my mom, she is the last person that I want to worry.
Not my sis, she has her own son to deal with, which is not easy.
Not my best friend, she is too caught up with her baby and now her second pregnancy
Not even my buddy!! We will just laugh over it as something that is no big deal, even though it is a big deal to me.
So, I have been wearing a mask for so long??
Is that why I feel so exhausted?
I know the people around me, want to see me strong and independent.
So, I wear that mask.
They want to see me happy.
So, I wear that mask.
I feel more lonely when I am invited to their family outings, knowing I will not have that of my own.
I feel more lonely when I am invited to join them in their double date.
Haven't they realised I am no longer a family?
I used to be Da Sao but now, there is no more Da Ge, so naturally, there is no more Da Sao.
I have my weak moments too. I am only human.
I cry when I am alone.
Silently swallowing each drop of tears, fighting hard not to quiver, fighting hard not to collapse. I do not know how long more could I fight. I do not know when I will succumb to fall. I have forced myself to stay positive, but the negativity comes so naturally. It is so tough to stand alone, to do everything alone. All through my life, have been doing that, even during my marriage, where it is supposed to be with someone, but, somehow I was alone.
Even now with Nick. I am alone.
I am alone in my cocoon, with no contact information about him.
His secrecy has driven me nuts. He doesn't trust me.
Disappointment has slowly inching its way in.
I trust him based on just his words and I wanted to, but everyday there are challenges for verification. They seem to be worrying that I have lost my judgment on men. Why do you just believe? Based on what?
Am I that gullible?
Maybe I should go somewhere far far away, no more mask.
Or will I have new masks?
Driving round and round
Almost drove round the island.
Decided not to be cooped up in my room, I went for a drive, but I have no idea where I want to go, but know if possible to hear the sea. So I drove onto the SLE, then TPE, all the way to near the airport and went up ECP. Thought I would stop somewhere along East Coast Park, but the park looked so crowded! So, I drove past and headed straight. Pondering if I should continue on to AYE, BKE then home. Instead, I exited at Rochor. For what?! I had the sudden urge to go Liang Court! Haven't shopped in the supermarket for ages!! Although the stuffs are more pricey there, but I like to go there.
But, I didn't drive in when I was there.
Too much memory of the past there. Wedding was there, and the flea market days.
Drove round and headed home.
What a sad way to spend my Saturday night.
Decided not to be cooped up in my room, I went for a drive, but I have no idea where I want to go, but know if possible to hear the sea. So I drove onto the SLE, then TPE, all the way to near the airport and went up ECP. Thought I would stop somewhere along East Coast Park, but the park looked so crowded! So, I drove past and headed straight. Pondering if I should continue on to AYE, BKE then home. Instead, I exited at Rochor. For what?! I had the sudden urge to go Liang Court! Haven't shopped in the supermarket for ages!! Although the stuffs are more pricey there, but I like to go there.
But, I didn't drive in when I was there.
Too much memory of the past there. Wedding was there, and the flea market days.
Drove round and headed home.
What a sad way to spend my Saturday night.
Cleanse my Chakra in the park
I went to the park this morning again. Longing to feel his presence among the trees and the flowers. Am I odd? But at least I found a peaceful spot that I like, and I was meditating there. With the help of Dr Doreen Virtue's Chakra Cleansing Audio track, I cleanse mine. Finally, I have done this in the midst of the nature and under the sun. Felt refreshing and connected after that :)But the ever-present cat was missing this morning.
My peaceful morning was interrupted, again, by wedding party!!
They like to take picture in this park and they always choose to come to my spot!! Sigh.
Ah ... the cat appeared and I stayed there as long as I could playing with the cat, until the party has made it quite clear, that they would prefer me to leave my bench. I left .... I walk to sat under the tree, nearer to the pond. It was shady and windy, feel nice and I resumed to my writing, seemed to have tons to write this morning. Then, came a group of uncles, with their toys. Remote-controlled speed boats!! They were circling their speedboats in the ponds, creating large ripple effect in the water, hence destroyed the tranquility.
He called me while I was sitting under the tree :) How I wish I could share my time at the park with him. But I know I have to make my exit before his entrance ...I walked around the park abit and sat down on another spot, writing away and I saw an eagle!!
A small one but that excited me cos i love eagles!!
Strange Dream
In spite of my constant waking last night, I think I have several dreams. But at this moment, I only remember one, cos it is so bizarre!! In the dream, I was wearing a blue jump suit and ready to leap into the air like a bird, oh gosh, "Blue Bird"!!! Hahahahaha.... Anyway, I remember I have to get to the top of some building, for what? I have no idea. Suddenly, the scene changed before I have a chance to leap into my flight, my mission remain unchanged, however instead of "flying" to the top of the building, now I have to climb up the glass window with suction!!! Have I imagined myself as one of the Charlie Angels? I wonder!!!
Friday, June 08, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Come what may
He "cuddled" me to sleep last night or rather this morning. Although I am still wishing the cuddling is real, but this is the best I will get. I don't understand why I love him so much but I just know I do and will always do. Like in the song "Come what may", I will love him till my dying day and beyond.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Time with the cats :)
Received a call from Minako last night. She has decided to go Europe after all to meet her boyfriend. Whatever communication issues they have, are finally resolved, I am extremely happy for them, and looking forward to meet Mr Charming when it is his turn to come visit her. Long distance relationship is tough, especially when there is a time difference of 6-8 hours.
Her utmost worry when she is away are her 2 cats. But hey, she got me!!! :)
I will be staying at her house taking care of Lito-Chan and Choco-Chan.
I have no complains, I LOVE THEM!!! Will be with them for 2 weeks :)
Ah .... bliss ................
Her utmost worry when she is away are her 2 cats. But hey, she got me!!! :)
I will be staying at her house taking care of Lito-Chan and Choco-Chan.
I have no complains, I LOVE THEM!!! Will be with them for 2 weeks :)
Ah .... bliss ................
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Metaphysics
I was torn between seeing Audrey or this metaphysician guy that YS has recommended, but she reminded I have to listen with an open heart, cos he is blunt and straight to the point, and I might not like what I hear. Audrey is about healing, and I have been wondering if I need any Karmic healing ... but YP told me in the last gathering, I do not have any karmic issue to deal with in this life. Hmmm, so I adhered to YS' suggestion and tossed a coin and let the angels decide for me, and ok, see the metaphysician.
I was there right on time, and immediately he started charting the numbers of my life! wow, Renee did numerology for me the last time, and she used computer to generate my chart, this guy is doing it manually!! And the charting is different! Now, that's interesting. I didn't realise there are different type of numerology, gosh so much to learn.
As he was drawing MY chart, I was braising myself for all bad things ... oh but no, I was all good. Unbelievable. He said my life will be better as I grow older. Hmmm... older? Haven't several told me I might not have that chance to grow older? Not sure is that good or bad, hmmm.... at least he said I do not have any major downturn in my life, the worst has already gone. Yippeeee! Now that's good news! He went on to tell me about my personality, my temperament, etc.
I am slow and steady, systemic, neat, quick to spot error (that's good! Help in my program debugging!). I am outspoken and direct but could be blunt. Any target I set for myself, I will make sure it is obtainable (no wonder my boss like me so much, cos' I will DEFINITELY deliver my project!).
However, my main problem is Love!! Not an easy person to love, cos I am too career driven!! Well, this is true, that's why my marriage failed. As long as i do not sign the paper, I am fine. That's good! Exactly my intention. He also said my life revolving around children. My work is related to children, even my part time hobby kinda work is related to children, and he suggested that my voluntary work should be dealing with children too. I think I have to work with YS on the stuffs for kids, since hers is centered around children too!!
Then the most important issue - the house. He said the delay is quite inevitable, and there is waiting involved. Sigh .... and the bad news is no matter how hasty I try to expedite the whole event, I will be encountered some form of road block.
All in all, the general scope of things for me is great! so I am pretty much relieved, and I don't have any karmic issue, which is good, but still I am curious about my past lives. Maybe I should listen to YP. She, too, told me there is none to resolve so there is no need to look at them. When she told me I am elemental, does that mean I am simply surrounded by the fairies OR am I one of the fairies!! :P
Maybe I should stop deviating and concentrating on learning the healing of angels and fairies proper!!
Throughout the reading, I have more curiosity on how to do the reading then listening to my own reading!! But is not easy definitely, he has learned this numerology for 20 over years!!!
YS reminded me that the world has shifted to co-creation, so whatever negativity is not fixated, it can be changed. We have to consciously manifest it to be positive. Do not forget co-creation and the power of manifestation. And enlist the angels and heaven to help in your co-creation!!
:)
I was there right on time, and immediately he started charting the numbers of my life! wow, Renee did numerology for me the last time, and she used computer to generate my chart, this guy is doing it manually!! And the charting is different! Now, that's interesting. I didn't realise there are different type of numerology, gosh so much to learn.
As he was drawing MY chart, I was braising myself for all bad things ... oh but no, I was all good. Unbelievable. He said my life will be better as I grow older. Hmmm... older? Haven't several told me I might not have that chance to grow older? Not sure is that good or bad, hmmm.... at least he said I do not have any major downturn in my life, the worst has already gone. Yippeeee! Now that's good news! He went on to tell me about my personality, my temperament, etc.
I am slow and steady, systemic, neat, quick to spot error (that's good! Help in my program debugging!). I am outspoken and direct but could be blunt. Any target I set for myself, I will make sure it is obtainable (no wonder my boss like me so much, cos' I will DEFINITELY deliver my project!).
However, my main problem is Love!! Not an easy person to love, cos I am too career driven!! Well, this is true, that's why my marriage failed. As long as i do not sign the paper, I am fine. That's good! Exactly my intention. He also said my life revolving around children. My work is related to children, even my part time hobby kinda work is related to children, and he suggested that my voluntary work should be dealing with children too. I think I have to work with YS on the stuffs for kids, since hers is centered around children too!!
Then the most important issue - the house. He said the delay is quite inevitable, and there is waiting involved. Sigh .... and the bad news is no matter how hasty I try to expedite the whole event, I will be encountered some form of road block.
All in all, the general scope of things for me is great! so I am pretty much relieved, and I don't have any karmic issue, which is good, but still I am curious about my past lives. Maybe I should listen to YP. She, too, told me there is none to resolve so there is no need to look at them. When she told me I am elemental, does that mean I am simply surrounded by the fairies OR am I one of the fairies!! :P
Maybe I should stop deviating and concentrating on learning the healing of angels and fairies proper!!
Throughout the reading, I have more curiosity on how to do the reading then listening to my own reading!! But is not easy definitely, he has learned this numerology for 20 over years!!!
YS reminded me that the world has shifted to co-creation, so whatever negativity is not fixated, it can be changed. We have to consciously manifest it to be positive. Do not forget co-creation and the power of manifestation. And enlist the angels and heaven to help in your co-creation!!
:)
Julie
------------- a little story i wrote in 1999, it is unfinished ... --------------
“Julie, my love. It’s time. I’m going to see Gram soon. I’ve missed her so much.” Grandpapa held me for the very last time. He looked so peaceful and ready, I cried. “Don’t cry, little gypsy. We will be with you always.”
He left. I was glad there was no pain.
I was an orphan. Gram and Grandpapa found me near the tree in the barn. I was left behind, an unwanted child. But I was no where near being dysfunctional, the love I have received from Gram and Grandpapa were in abundance, I have so much more to share with anyone who need them.
Gram left us 5 years ago when I was only 15. She has been quite ill for as long as I remember. 15 years, she suffered the pain of her illness, but she never allowed us to see her in pain, she suffered them in silence, until the day she could no longer withhold, she left. Life was tough without Gram, she was the sunshine, the laughter, everything. Grandpapa was in deep sorrow, without Gram, he lost his will to live, too. It was unbearable to look at him in that state. He aged so much more overnight it broke my heart.
Then one day, suddenly he came to live again! He was Grandpapa again; I have missed him so much. We could finally talk and laugh together, just like old time.
“Julie! Julie! Your Grandpapa! Go! To the hospital! Now!”
I lost Grandpapa that day.
I left too, the week after. I have chosen to lick my wound somewhere else.
Hopped onto the bus and left, no idea where it will bring me.
The bus finally stopped at quiet little town by the sea. Ah, the sea. So beautiful and peaceful, the air was different.
I found a job in the deli and another in a big house. The owner was away most of the time, so I was to be a house sitter. Fine by me, as long as there was a roof over my head.
The house was huge. I wondered who lived there. Once a week, someone came to clean the house, so I didn’t have to clean the house. I stayed in the guestroom on the ground floor.
When I was not working in the deli, I was in the library in the house. There were more books that I have seen in the bookshop. Sometimes, I fell asleep in the couch reading.
Noise.
I was woken by a noise in the house. Oh no, I hope it was not the burglar, what am I to do. I grabbed the first thing my hands grabbed, a golf club. Slowly and quietly, I inched my way to the door. Please God, let there just be my imagination.
Before I could open the door, it swinged open and knocked me down on my nose. And I saw black.
“Oh dear, I am so sorry. Are you alright? Who are you? What are you doing in my house?”
Too many questions. Oh, my head. It hurt. “My house”? I opened my eyes and stared into the most beautiful shade of blue.
“Are you alright? I hope you are not having a concussion or something.”
“I am sorry, you must be Mr. Tavis. I am Julie, your house-sitter. Sorry again for intruding your library.”
“No, no. That’s fine. It’s always a pleasure to share this treasure from my father. His quest for knowledge was boundless. He would be happy to see that his library was not rendered useless.”
“Mr. Tavis, welcome home, it is a pleasure to work for you. Now that you are home, I believe my service is no longer necessary. I will go …”
“Julie, do you like this house?”
“Me? Of course. Who wouldn’t. I could practically live in this library.”
“Then, stay on. I could invent an employment for you. You don’t have to leave.”
“But ..”
“I insist. It’s nice to have some company.”
He left the room with the brightest and most beautiful smile I have ever seen.
But I can’t stay here infinitely; Mrs. Tavis will not be too happy to find a female house-sitter within the premise. I have to make plan to leave though the invitation was so tempting.
“Good morning.”
I jumped.
“Good morning, Mr. Tavis.”
My daily encounter with Mr. Tavis was just that.
Until one night, I heard him stumped into the house. He must be drunk.
I went to him, but he seemed to be in pain.
“Mr. Tavis! Mr. Tavis! Oh my gosh! Are you ok?”
“M ..y pil..ls, in .. my ..case ..”
Clumsily, I fumbled into his case.
“Oh.. where is it? Where is it?”
Found it. I helped him to his medication and lay him on the sofa.
The pills took effect in few minutes. His frown smoothened.
“Thank you, Julie.”
“Let me help you to your room, you should be resting. You should take a day off tomorrow to do exactly that too.”
He fell into a deep sleep almost immediately after he lay on his bed.
I stayed by him for the night.
I woke up from the couch and saw him sitting in front of me looking at me, like I was a specimen or something, it was nerve-wrecking. He looked well now.
“Thank you Julie.”
“I, ah, I should go and make some breakfast.”
I practically ran out of the room.
In the kitchen, I focused on making the breakfast, but I was acutely aware of his presence in the house.
“Julie.”
I jumped.
“Thank you again.”
“You look so much better now.”
“Yes. Since I will be taking your suggestion to rest today, would you like to be my companion for the day?”
“Companion?”
“We could go for a drive, have a picnic, watch a movie, things like that?”
“But, you should be resting.”
“Not working is resting for me. I am too restless to sit around at home. Come on, let’s go for a walk by the sea.”
He grabbed my hand and we left the house. We walked to the beach, enjoying the warm breeze, still holding my hand.
“It has been a while since I have been this relax.”
I smiled, not knowing what to say. He smiled. We walked in silence for a long time.
“Thank you, Julie. I have a great time.”
“Thank you. Me, too.”
We didn’t go for a drive, or watch a movie after that. He received a call left immediately after that. He didn’t come back for a few days.
I love the garden, it was beautiful, and I tried my best to help the gardener maintain its beauty.
I was pruning the plants when I sensed someone’s gaze intensely at me.
I turned around and saw Mr. Tavis. He stood there, looking so much like a Greek God and smiling at me.
“Hi Julie.”
“Hello, Mr Tavis. Your heart is fine today?”
He walked towards me, removed my gardening groves, held my hand, and led me to the beach. Not saying a single word.
“I’ve missed you.”
Me?
I stopped.
He held both my hands and smiled.
Gently, he leaned forward to kiss me on my lips. His feather-like kiss that did me in. It sent me to my knees. I was never been kissed.
“Julie!”
He caught me and held me, oh so protectively. I felt safe in his arms.
“Shhh…. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you so. No. Never my intention.”
We sat on the beach; he continued to cradle me to him, like he was not ever going to let me go.
“Mr. Tavis, I, ..”
“Julie, my love, call me Josh.”
My love? This was too much.
“Mr. Tavis, uh, Josh. I don’t know how? But I don’t deserve this. I should make my leave, ah, Mrs. Tavis would not approve of this.”
“My mother? Why would my mother not approve of you?”
“Your mother? No, no, I mean, uh, Mrs. Josh Tavis.”
“MaryAnn, she would love you. She would have picked you up for me. Maybe she has.”
“I don’t understand.”
“She has gone to the heaven 5 years ago. She must have sent you to me.”
Silence tears.
“Mr. Tavis, …”
“Josh.”
“Josh, I am delighted for your attention but, but I am not MaryAnn. I wouldn’t know how to be her. I, uh, ”
He silenced me with a kiss. No, no, he was trying to shut down my mind, I can’t but it was so enchanting.
“Julie, I have never said you have to be MaryAnn. No one can be like her. No way. She is as noisy as you are quiet. Julie, just be you, you don’t have to be anyone else for anyone, not even for me, ok?”
“Julie, my love. It’s time. I’m going to see Gram soon. I’ve missed her so much.” Grandpapa held me for the very last time. He looked so peaceful and ready, I cried. “Don’t cry, little gypsy. We will be with you always.”
He left. I was glad there was no pain.
I was an orphan. Gram and Grandpapa found me near the tree in the barn. I was left behind, an unwanted child. But I was no where near being dysfunctional, the love I have received from Gram and Grandpapa were in abundance, I have so much more to share with anyone who need them.
Gram left us 5 years ago when I was only 15. She has been quite ill for as long as I remember. 15 years, she suffered the pain of her illness, but she never allowed us to see her in pain, she suffered them in silence, until the day she could no longer withhold, she left. Life was tough without Gram, she was the sunshine, the laughter, everything. Grandpapa was in deep sorrow, without Gram, he lost his will to live, too. It was unbearable to look at him in that state. He aged so much more overnight it broke my heart.
Then one day, suddenly he came to live again! He was Grandpapa again; I have missed him so much. We could finally talk and laugh together, just like old time.
“Julie! Julie! Your Grandpapa! Go! To the hospital! Now!”
I lost Grandpapa that day.
I left too, the week after. I have chosen to lick my wound somewhere else.
Hopped onto the bus and left, no idea where it will bring me.
The bus finally stopped at quiet little town by the sea. Ah, the sea. So beautiful and peaceful, the air was different.
I found a job in the deli and another in a big house. The owner was away most of the time, so I was to be a house sitter. Fine by me, as long as there was a roof over my head.
The house was huge. I wondered who lived there. Once a week, someone came to clean the house, so I didn’t have to clean the house. I stayed in the guestroom on the ground floor.
When I was not working in the deli, I was in the library in the house. There were more books that I have seen in the bookshop. Sometimes, I fell asleep in the couch reading.
Noise.
I was woken by a noise in the house. Oh no, I hope it was not the burglar, what am I to do. I grabbed the first thing my hands grabbed, a golf club. Slowly and quietly, I inched my way to the door. Please God, let there just be my imagination.
Before I could open the door, it swinged open and knocked me down on my nose. And I saw black.
“Oh dear, I am so sorry. Are you alright? Who are you? What are you doing in my house?”
Too many questions. Oh, my head. It hurt. “My house”? I opened my eyes and stared into the most beautiful shade of blue.
“Are you alright? I hope you are not having a concussion or something.”
“I am sorry, you must be Mr. Tavis. I am Julie, your house-sitter. Sorry again for intruding your library.”
“No, no. That’s fine. It’s always a pleasure to share this treasure from my father. His quest for knowledge was boundless. He would be happy to see that his library was not rendered useless.”
“Mr. Tavis, welcome home, it is a pleasure to work for you. Now that you are home, I believe my service is no longer necessary. I will go …”
“Julie, do you like this house?”
“Me? Of course. Who wouldn’t. I could practically live in this library.”
“Then, stay on. I could invent an employment for you. You don’t have to leave.”
“But ..”
“I insist. It’s nice to have some company.”
He left the room with the brightest and most beautiful smile I have ever seen.
But I can’t stay here infinitely; Mrs. Tavis will not be too happy to find a female house-sitter within the premise. I have to make plan to leave though the invitation was so tempting.
“Good morning.”
I jumped.
“Good morning, Mr. Tavis.”
My daily encounter with Mr. Tavis was just that.
Until one night, I heard him stumped into the house. He must be drunk.
I went to him, but he seemed to be in pain.
“Mr. Tavis! Mr. Tavis! Oh my gosh! Are you ok?”
“M ..y pil..ls, in .. my ..case ..”
Clumsily, I fumbled into his case.
“Oh.. where is it? Where is it?”
Found it. I helped him to his medication and lay him on the sofa.
The pills took effect in few minutes. His frown smoothened.
“Thank you, Julie.”
“Let me help you to your room, you should be resting. You should take a day off tomorrow to do exactly that too.”
He fell into a deep sleep almost immediately after he lay on his bed.
I stayed by him for the night.
I woke up from the couch and saw him sitting in front of me looking at me, like I was a specimen or something, it was nerve-wrecking. He looked well now.
“Thank you Julie.”
“I, ah, I should go and make some breakfast.”
I practically ran out of the room.
In the kitchen, I focused on making the breakfast, but I was acutely aware of his presence in the house.
“Julie.”
I jumped.
“Thank you again.”
“You look so much better now.”
“Yes. Since I will be taking your suggestion to rest today, would you like to be my companion for the day?”
“Companion?”
“We could go for a drive, have a picnic, watch a movie, things like that?”
“But, you should be resting.”
“Not working is resting for me. I am too restless to sit around at home. Come on, let’s go for a walk by the sea.”
He grabbed my hand and we left the house. We walked to the beach, enjoying the warm breeze, still holding my hand.
“It has been a while since I have been this relax.”
I smiled, not knowing what to say. He smiled. We walked in silence for a long time.
“Thank you, Julie. I have a great time.”
“Thank you. Me, too.”
We didn’t go for a drive, or watch a movie after that. He received a call left immediately after that. He didn’t come back for a few days.
I love the garden, it was beautiful, and I tried my best to help the gardener maintain its beauty.
I was pruning the plants when I sensed someone’s gaze intensely at me.
I turned around and saw Mr. Tavis. He stood there, looking so much like a Greek God and smiling at me.
“Hi Julie.”
“Hello, Mr Tavis. Your heart is fine today?”
He walked towards me, removed my gardening groves, held my hand, and led me to the beach. Not saying a single word.
“I’ve missed you.”
Me?
I stopped.
He held both my hands and smiled.
Gently, he leaned forward to kiss me on my lips. His feather-like kiss that did me in. It sent me to my knees. I was never been kissed.
“Julie!”
He caught me and held me, oh so protectively. I felt safe in his arms.
“Shhh…. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you so. No. Never my intention.”
We sat on the beach; he continued to cradle me to him, like he was not ever going to let me go.
“Mr. Tavis, I, ..”
“Julie, my love, call me Josh.”
My love? This was too much.
“Mr. Tavis, uh, Josh. I don’t know how? But I don’t deserve this. I should make my leave, ah, Mrs. Tavis would not approve of this.”
“My mother? Why would my mother not approve of you?”
“Your mother? No, no, I mean, uh, Mrs. Josh Tavis.”
“MaryAnn, she would love you. She would have picked you up for me. Maybe she has.”
“I don’t understand.”
“She has gone to the heaven 5 years ago. She must have sent you to me.”
Silence tears.
“Mr. Tavis, …”
“Josh.”
“Josh, I am delighted for your attention but, but I am not MaryAnn. I wouldn’t know how to be her. I, uh, ”
He silenced me with a kiss. No, no, he was trying to shut down my mind, I can’t but it was so enchanting.
“Julie, I have never said you have to be MaryAnn. No one can be like her. No way. She is as noisy as you are quiet. Julie, just be you, you don’t have to be anyone else for anyone, not even for me, ok?”
Monday, June 04, 2007
strange love
Have you fallen in love with someone whom you have never met? I know this sound so silly but I have fallen hard, real hard for the first time in my 35 years.
Never in my past relationships and failed marriage, have I felt this way.
We have met online, we chat and talk on the phone for just a month, and both, yes BOTH of us has fallen in love with each other. Well, you might think this is GREAT!! But, he refuses to meet me in person. His fear of commitment has overridden our love.
Never in my past relationships and failed marriage, have I felt this way.
We have met online, we chat and talk on the phone for just a month, and both, yes BOTH of us has fallen in love with each other. Well, you might think this is GREAT!! But, he refuses to meet me in person. His fear of commitment has overridden our love.
7 angels
Today I have received all seven angels he promised to make for me. Instead of feeling good, somehow I feel I am going to lose something. Why does he hurry himself to give me all? I don't understand. But I still love all the angels he has made for me :) love every single one of them, cos' I truly believe they are made with love. Thank you Dear!
Saturday, June 02, 2007
I miss him so ...
This morning I didn't join my mother in the park for exercise. My head hurt, maybe still tired from the flight. Woke up with receiving his morning call was great! It would be better if I could wake up right next to him.
After the brief conversation with my dearest (very brief :( ), i decided to go to the park where he does his running. I know I will be able to feel closer to him by just being there in the same park. Sending my love to him, through the fairies and angels in the park. :) I have missed him already!! and it was just less than an hour ago that I spoke to him!!
I sat at my usual bench, and talking to the ever-present cat who was sleeping under the bench. He responded to my meowing, and I could hear him purred :) But my blissful morning was interrupted by a group of happy friends and a couple in their wedding gowns. They wanted my spot, so I left. I walked to the pond side and sat on the stone and talk to the sprites of the water. Hmmmmm.... feel so lovely to communicate to the fairies and sprites again :) I hope they can hear me, I am still struggling to hear them. I know I know, I am not in a relax enough state to hear them, but I do wish to hear them so badly. I need to feel the presences with the angels and fairies again. Please do not elude me.
After the brief conversation with my dearest (very brief :( ), i decided to go to the park where he does his running. I know I will be able to feel closer to him by just being there in the same park. Sending my love to him, through the fairies and angels in the park. :) I have missed him already!! and it was just less than an hour ago that I spoke to him!!
I sat at my usual bench, and talking to the ever-present cat who was sleeping under the bench. He responded to my meowing, and I could hear him purred :) But my blissful morning was interrupted by a group of happy friends and a couple in their wedding gowns. They wanted my spot, so I left. I walked to the pond side and sat on the stone and talk to the sprites of the water. Hmmmmm.... feel so lovely to communicate to the fairies and sprites again :) I hope they can hear me, I am still struggling to hear them. I know I know, I am not in a relax enough state to hear them, but I do wish to hear them so badly. I need to feel the presences with the angels and fairies again. Please do not elude me.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
One day I'll fly away ...leave all these to yesterday.
One day, everyday I am wishing for that one day to arrive.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Monday, April 30, 2007
Love like you've never been hurt ...
Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt
Dance like nobody's watching
Sing like nobody's listening
A beautiful quote by Satchel Paige.
The least I expect, Satchel Paige is baseball legend!!
Amazing!
Love like you've never been hurt
Dance like nobody's watching
Sing like nobody's listening
A beautiful quote by Satchel Paige.
The least I expect, Satchel Paige is baseball legend!!
Amazing!
Saturday, April 21, 2007
My Zoo Experiences! and my lovely encounter with a guy Nick
Had my first assignment after the training I have had at the zoo last nov, finally!!!
I have decided to take up the challenge of working on 2 camps back to back. Well, it was an overwhelming experience but hey, it was tiring too!! Gosh, running after a class of 40 is not a joking matter!! And I have to salute the teachers, who have to do this everyday!!! At the end of the day 4, I am so glad all the children have gone home for good! hahahaha
In the midst of this work assignment, I have another lovely encounter, in the form of a man, named Nick. It has been so refreshing talking to this guy, it is amazing!! We have clicked so well, and can talk about anything. I feel a liking for this stranger, :)
I like his voice, I like what we talked about, and above all, he loves my singing.
He called me and text me at camp, it felt so lovely. I know I was having this huge grin on my face, and I was blushing!! And I did something unthinkable!! I actually told this guy I like him! Gosh what is wrong with me?? I have never done that! Never ever have I admitted to a guy that I like him. But but the sweet thing is, he told me HE LIKES ME too!!! wow! now that's a relief hahahaha
I have decided to take up the challenge of working on 2 camps back to back. Well, it was an overwhelming experience but hey, it was tiring too!! Gosh, running after a class of 40 is not a joking matter!! And I have to salute the teachers, who have to do this everyday!!! At the end of the day 4, I am so glad all the children have gone home for good! hahahaha
In the midst of this work assignment, I have another lovely encounter, in the form of a man, named Nick. It has been so refreshing talking to this guy, it is amazing!! We have clicked so well, and can talk about anything. I feel a liking for this stranger, :)
I like his voice, I like what we talked about, and above all, he loves my singing.
He called me and text me at camp, it felt so lovely. I know I was having this huge grin on my face, and I was blushing!! And I did something unthinkable!! I actually told this guy I like him! Gosh what is wrong with me?? I have never done that! Never ever have I admitted to a guy that I like him. But but the sweet thing is, he told me HE LIKES ME too!!! wow! now that's a relief hahahaha
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Fantastic Performance!!
The recital was amazing! My gosh Ms Jeong is so awesome!
That voice, it was so beautiful. I am so proud to be one of her many students. :D
Singing with live accompaniment is an unforgettable experience ... my singing days way way back, I have the honour to perform solo with the live accompaniment of a grand piano. It was so awesome!
That voice, it was so beautiful. I am so proud to be one of her many students. :D
Singing with live accompaniment is an unforgettable experience ... my singing days way way back, I have the honour to perform solo with the live accompaniment of a grand piano. It was so awesome!
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